i woke up this morning, not to the sound of my alarm clock nor to the noise buses make outside but to the sound of me breathing. strange, i thought. as i opened my eyes, all of a sudden, i looked at the white, lead-based painted ceiling and said to myself, where the hell am i, what am i doing here? how did i get so far from home..
i just could not remember how i happened to get to this point in time of my life. i started recalling all those cute and bittersweet bits and pieces of me in my childhood, my teenage years and my college years. i thought about the time when grandma used to take a nap right beside me in bed and it made me terribly sad that she's not here anymore. i thought about the time when mom and i used to take long walks along the river and how we used to talk and laugh so much about nothing that really mattered. i also recalled the time my dad did not have to wear glasses to read the paper in the morning and how he used to let me touch his shaved chin when i was little. i wanted to go back to when my younger brother and i used to be closer and hang out a lot more. i remembered how i was in such an awkward phase just a year ago and how i thought that i would be in a more stable state, where i would not regret or worry about the past or the future and just focus on the present and be happy a year later. haha so stupid. life is not that easy. i should have known!
i listened to all those songs that i used to listen to a lot last summer. i tried to lighten up by making a giant sandwich for myself. didn't taste like anything. tried taking a long bath. didn't feel refreshed. i called mom to get stuff out of my chest and tell her how homesick i am although i knew that it was too early in the morning. in the back of my head, i kept thinking, what have i done? what have i done? why am i here? am i happy here? and why am i thinking like such a depressed human being? i used to be an optimistic person.
and then i got really depressed. so i ended up doing nothing productive today. maybe except for writing this blog. also i fell in love with a song called "dream" by priscilla ahn. i cried a lot too. no wait, yeah that means i ended up doing nothing productive.
